Welcome to our Q&A space, where we invite open dialogue about the thought-provoking issues raised in Being Ben. This is more than just a book—it's a catalyst for honest conversations about our most challenging experiences and the healing power of shared truths. We encourage you to ask questions, share insights, and contribute to a supportive community dedicated to exploring and understanding every facet of our collective journey.
I love my adopted child, but I don't fee the bond that I expected. Does that make me a terrible parent?
No! It makes you a normal parent who had a very different expectation of how this would feel. And I hate to break it to you, but love and bonding are two very different things.
When you adopt, people tell you that you will feel an instant connection, a deep motherly instinct, a rush of unconditional love. Maybe you did, and maybe you didn't. And if you didn't, you're not broken, and you're not alone.
Some kids come to us with open arms, eager to be loved. Others come to us with walls so high that even if they want to love us, their brains won't let them. Some kids come to us with trauma so deep that the very concept of "mother" feels unsafe. Some kids come to us having never bonded with anyone before. And if they don't know how to bond, how can they teach us how to bond with them?
I've been there. You want to love your child the way you imagined - the way movies and adoption agency brochures told you it would be. But some days, love feels like duty. Like showing up. Like taking a deep breath and trying again tomorrow.
Does that sound like a Hallmark moment? No. But it's real. And real love is work.
If you don't feel the bond yet, don't panic.
Keep showing up. Keep being consistent. Keep loving them in the ways they can accept. You don't have to feel a big emotional rush to be a good parent. You just have to keep being there.
And one day, when you least expect it, you might notice a shift. Maybe it's eye contact held a second longer. Maybe it's a hand on your arm instead of pulling away. Maybe it's trust, even in the smallest form. And when that moment comes, you'll know. This is bonding. This is love. And even if that moment never comes the way you imagined? You are still a good parent. Because you stayed.
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Notes from the Edge
Reflections from a tired Mom
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I love my adopted child, but I don't fee the bond that I expected. Does that make me a terrible parent?
No! It makes you a normal parent who had a very different expectation of how this would feel. And I hate to break it to you, but love and bonding are two very different things.
When you adopt, people tell you that you will feel an instant connection, a deep motherly instinct, a rush of unconditional love. Maybe you did, and maybe you didn't. And if you didn't, you're not broken, and you're not alone.
Some kids come to us with open arms, eager to be loved. Others come to us with walls so high that even if they want to love us, their brains won't let them. Some kids come to us with trauma so deep that the very concept of "mother" feels unsafe. Some kids come to us having never bonded with anyone before. And if they don't know how to bond, how can they teach us how to bond with them?
I've been there. You want to love your child the way you imagined - the way movies and adoption agency brochures told you it would be. But some days, love feels like duty. Like showing up. Like taking a deep breath and trying again tomorrow.
Does that sound like a Hallmark moment? No. But it's real. And real love is work.
If you don't feel the bond yet, don't panic.
Keep showing up. Keep being consistent. Keep loving them in the ways they can accept. You don't have to feel a big emotional rush to be a good parent. You just have to keep being there.
And one day, when you least expect it, you might notice a shift. Maybe it's eye contact held a second longer. Maybe it's a hand on your arm instead of pulling away. Maybe it's trust, even in the smallest form. And when that moment comes, you'll know. This is bonding. This is love. And even if that moment never comes the way you imagined? You are still a good parent. Because you stayed.
I love my adopted child, but I don't fee the bond that I expected. Does that make me a terrible parent?
No! It makes you a normal parent who had a very different expectation of how this would feel. And I hate to break it to you, but love and bonding are two very different things.
When you adopt, people tell you that you will feel an instant connection, a deep motherly instinct, a rush of unconditional love. Maybe you did, and maybe you didn't. And if you didn't, you're not broken, and you're not alone.
Some kids come to us with open arms, eager to be loved. Others come to us with walls so high that even if they want to love us, their brains won't let them. Some kids come to us with trauma so deep that the very concept of "mother" feels unsafe. Some kids come to us having never bonded with anyone before. And if they don't know how to bond, how can they teach us how to bond with them?
I've been there. You want to love your child the way you imagined - the way movies and adoption agency brochures told you it would be. But some days, love feels like duty. Like showing up. Like taking a deep breath and trying again tomorrow.
Does that sound like a Hallmark moment? No. But it's real. And real love is work.
If you don't feel the bond yet, don't panic.
Keep showing up. Keep being consistent. Keep loving them in the ways they can accept. You don't have to feel a big emotional rush to be a good parent. You just have to keep being there.
And one day, when you least expect it, you might notice a shift. Maybe it's eye contact held a second longer. Maybe it's a hand on your arm instead of pulling away. Maybe it's trust, even in the smallest form. And when that moment comes, you'll know. This is bonding. This is love. And even if that moment never comes the way you imagined? You are still a good parent. Because you stayed.
Add paragraph text. Click “Edit Text” to update the font, size and more. To change and reuse text themes, go to Site Styles.
Add paragraph text. Click “Edit Text” to update the font, size and more. To change and reuse text themes, go to Site Styles.
Notes from the Edge
Reflections from a tired Mom