Love Beyond Limits: The Reality of Raising a Child with Trauma

When people hear that we adopted Ben from a Russian orphanage, they picture a heartwarming movie ending. A child without a family finds one, and love heals everything. I wish it were that simple.

What they don’t see is what happens after the adoption papers are signed. They don’t see the long nights, the uncontrollable rage, the moments when love feels like it’s being hurled back at you like a weapon. They don’t see the deep scars of neglect and abandonment, embedded so early in a child’s brain that no amount of comfort can fully erase them.

Ben was more than his trauma, but his trauma was always a part of him. He came to us with a soaring IQ and a wicked sense of humor, but also with an inability to trust that the people who loved him would stay. His early years—starving, neglected, forgotten—taught him that survival meant being in control at all costs. And when a child like that feels powerless, they lash out.

There were moments of incredible joy, too. The way he could light up a room with his laughter. The brilliance in his mind that made every conversation an adventure. The sheer force of his will that made him refuse to be defined by his disabilities. But there were also moments of unbearable pain. The times when I had to admit that I couldn’t fix everything. The moments when I feared for my own safety. The heartbreaking reality that, despite all our love, Ben was slipping further into a darkness I couldn’t reach.

This is the part of adoption that doesn’t make it into the feel-good stories. The part where love alone isn’t enough. The part where parents are left wondering if they’re doing more harm than good by keeping a child in their home when they might need more than what a family can give.

There’s no easy way to tell this story. But it’s one that needs to be told. Because for every parent struggling with a child who has suffered deep trauma, for every mother or father lying awake at night questioning their own strength, I want you to know—you are not alone.

And love, even when it isn’t enough to heal everything, is never wasted.